démoralisé
I just said something I never thought I would say. Nick pang was telling me alot of my man are sleeping instead of cleaning arms. Nothing amazing, but something I seldom see when I am around. Swear in the name of Kelvin.
"Eh alot of your platoon man are sleeping"
"Care for what, why should I care about them. They are not worth me caring for them"
I said this infront of a few of nick pang's man and I guess I saw a few stunned looks. True. I am stunned as well.Its not like me. Scroll down and see whats the last sentence of my last entry. Neh. A series of events have made big changes to how I am view NS.
This morning, while still hot in my enthusiasm to take over SC role and bring my man for urban ops revision training. Yong seng said in a half joking half expecting manner for me to take 4 groups while he and sebe each share half. Of course I won't respond strongly to that. Not too long after, one of my man said something that really struck me.
"Sgt, you finally wake up, you finally learnt to be like the other sgt like that already. Afterall also serve 2 years, care so much for what."
I say again, that statement struck me. And I know full well that it is the weakness of my will to serve in true professionalism that allowed me to fall for this. I was disappointed, sad and demoralised. I spent some time thinking about this after and tried to talk to my section while sitting under a tree to la liang. I figured that what really disappointed me was that the man are as uninterested as the commanders. I have know since the very start that some of the commanders are totally bo hui. But i chose to stick to the principle of doing my part, fulfilling my duty and not giving a wooden nickle to what they think about me. After what my man said, I realised its in all my stupidity that i actually thought that my man are better in terms of attitude. I wonder when that thought ever sink into me. TO think that my man are more interested in Ns than the slack specs. Fuck me. I must have been nuts.Excuse the language please.Thats why I am disappointed.
Someone once told me. Everyone is like that, why should you care. And I always responded with this:what others think or do doesn't concern me. I believe in what I am doing. Thats why. Yet such words are those of an idealist. SOmething that won't work in reality. Its near impossible to even do your job properly. Even if you are all strong in your will and self believe, being different in attitude only puts you in a bad light because no one recognises the value of you being different. The minority who do have no influence.
Am I wrong? Through SOA 21 weeks. In unit probably 15 weeks and counting. I have met bastards after bastards suaning me and almost ostrocising me because I am different. Eh fuck. I am me.Simply because you are a fuck and you dare to express your fucked up attitude through oppresive means doesn't mean that I will give a damn about what you think.
Come on guys, You see the difference? Mechanise me and analyse this.Even if my mindset is unshaken, I am unable to function. I wish to explain this no more. I guess the mediocre will see crap in what I just said. I hope someone understands.
And yes, I know that letting my emotions interfere with the way I am handling things right now is simply a sign that I have no professionalism in my job; that I have no will to stand up for my own course in the face of strong opposition.And for the whole day, and I guess for days to come, they can expect to see no spec there for them when they need help. They can forget about me fighting for them. I dare say this in the face of kelvin knows what number of readers. I tried my best in fighting for them all along, and I did fight for them many times. I did give them the greatest of care in the most subtle ways, knowing that few will recognise it. Now i think about all this. I guess it no longer matters.
TOday I finally understood why one of my sgt once told me, there is no such thing as loyalty to country this days. Great. I knew but I did not understand. The day when there is a need to fight. I will fight for my friends family and loved ones.
And my man asked me, Sgt you ever thought of signing on, I said yes, but definitely not with the SAF. And for a clear view of things, who knows, many the police force is like that as well. AM i sure of my career? Yet it seems that the working sector is all different, because people will be fighting and backstabbing each other to make themself stand out. Its all so different. Guess I need time to think through all this.
Haiz, I never felt quite this bad before. NS sucks. Not because you chiong. But because a large part of the force couldn't give a fuck about it.Ns sucks.I guess they need to see some combat to wake up their idea.
Haiz, dear girl how you doing?
"Eh alot of your platoon man are sleeping"
"Care for what, why should I care about them. They are not worth me caring for them"
I said this infront of a few of nick pang's man and I guess I saw a few stunned looks. True. I am stunned as well.Its not like me. Scroll down and see whats the last sentence of my last entry. Neh. A series of events have made big changes to how I am view NS.
This morning, while still hot in my enthusiasm to take over SC role and bring my man for urban ops revision training. Yong seng said in a half joking half expecting manner for me to take 4 groups while he and sebe each share half. Of course I won't respond strongly to that. Not too long after, one of my man said something that really struck me.
"Sgt, you finally wake up, you finally learnt to be like the other sgt like that already. Afterall also serve 2 years, care so much for what."
I say again, that statement struck me. And I know full well that it is the weakness of my will to serve in true professionalism that allowed me to fall for this. I was disappointed, sad and demoralised. I spent some time thinking about this after and tried to talk to my section while sitting under a tree to la liang. I figured that what really disappointed me was that the man are as uninterested as the commanders. I have know since the very start that some of the commanders are totally bo hui. But i chose to stick to the principle of doing my part, fulfilling my duty and not giving a wooden nickle to what they think about me. After what my man said, I realised its in all my stupidity that i actually thought that my man are better in terms of attitude. I wonder when that thought ever sink into me. TO think that my man are more interested in Ns than the slack specs. Fuck me. I must have been nuts.Excuse the language please.Thats why I am disappointed.
Someone once told me. Everyone is like that, why should you care. And I always responded with this:what others think or do doesn't concern me. I believe in what I am doing. Thats why. Yet such words are those of an idealist. SOmething that won't work in reality. Its near impossible to even do your job properly. Even if you are all strong in your will and self believe, being different in attitude only puts you in a bad light because no one recognises the value of you being different. The minority who do have no influence.
Am I wrong? Through SOA 21 weeks. In unit probably 15 weeks and counting. I have met bastards after bastards suaning me and almost ostrocising me because I am different. Eh fuck. I am me.Simply because you are a fuck and you dare to express your fucked up attitude through oppresive means doesn't mean that I will give a damn about what you think.
Come on guys, You see the difference? Mechanise me and analyse this.Even if my mindset is unshaken, I am unable to function. I wish to explain this no more. I guess the mediocre will see crap in what I just said. I hope someone understands.
And yes, I know that letting my emotions interfere with the way I am handling things right now is simply a sign that I have no professionalism in my job; that I have no will to stand up for my own course in the face of strong opposition.And for the whole day, and I guess for days to come, they can expect to see no spec there for them when they need help. They can forget about me fighting for them. I dare say this in the face of kelvin knows what number of readers. I tried my best in fighting for them all along, and I did fight for them many times. I did give them the greatest of care in the most subtle ways, knowing that few will recognise it. Now i think about all this. I guess it no longer matters.
TOday I finally understood why one of my sgt once told me, there is no such thing as loyalty to country this days. Great. I knew but I did not understand. The day when there is a need to fight. I will fight for my friends family and loved ones.
And my man asked me, Sgt you ever thought of signing on, I said yes, but definitely not with the SAF. And for a clear view of things, who knows, many the police force is like that as well. AM i sure of my career? Yet it seems that the working sector is all different, because people will be fighting and backstabbing each other to make themself stand out. Its all so different. Guess I need time to think through all this.
Haiz, I never felt quite this bad before. NS sucks. Not because you chiong. But because a large part of the force couldn't give a fuck about it.Ns sucks.I guess they need to see some combat to wake up their idea.
Haiz, dear girl how you doing?
posted by zente @ 4:18 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home